


Can't look at the stars

by CapriciousCrab



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, M/M, Pining, Post-Break Up, Reconciliation, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 03:47:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10711557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: Phil heads toward the place he and Dan used to go, searching for some peace.Lyrics from Stars by Grace and the Nocturnals





	Can't look at the stars

Can't look at the stars  


 

 

_**I lit a fire with the love you left behind** _

 

   He threw his pack over his shoulder and set out, looking for something to silence the thoughts that tumbled through his mind. It didn't matter where he ended up, he just needed to go. Now. He couldn't stand being in the flat one more second, listening to the silence that was louder than any of the arguments they'd ever had. This silence was a mean viscous thing, constantly reminding him of what was lost, of what was missing. Of what would never be again.

   The setting sun glanced off those high cheekbones so many fans admired and painted his black hair with golden highlights. He received more than a few second glances but not only because of his good looks. No, it was the devastating heartbreak visible in his eyes that really made others look again, wondering what could have put such sadness into those beautiful blue eyes. He continued down the street, feet carrying him mindlessly as memories played in his head like a movie. He moved with a surprising fluidity, long limbs slipping past others delicately. He wasn't known for being graceful, especially out in public where the crowds of people pressed against each other in clumps as they moved from one place to another. But today he was too lost in his own world to worry about being clumsy, his stride taking him to the one place he thought he might find some peace.

 

 

_**All those times we looked up at the sky** _

 

   They used to come here any chance that they could. It was their place, a little oasis of calm and quiet they would escape to when everything became too much manage. Grove Park, slightly on the outskirts of London, had just been declared a Dark Sky Discovery Site and was perfect for sky gazing. Along with a few bottles of water, they would tuck a throw into their backpack and slip out of the house, heading for a bit of serenity. The throw would be spread out onto the grass and they would sit close, shoulders and hips touching. Breathing in sync, heads tipped in toward each other, they would sit and look out at London as time inched forward and the night sky began to fill with stars. You couldn't see too many...the city was just too bright for proper stargazing. They would lay back anyway and stare up at the sky, both of them filled with a quiet joy at being with the other. Phil would look at the sky and marvel at the thought of creation and being alive. Dan would look at the sky and stress about how small and insignificant they were compared to the vastness of space. They would look at each and laugh, knowing how dissimilar they were in thought but how wonderfully compatible they were in every other way.

   They were always careful when they were in public not to show too much affection, keeping physical contact minimized to accidental touches that could be explained away. But here where they were alone they would sometimes roll toward each other, hands reaching out to play with hair or to trace the smiling lips across from them. They never let themselves get carried away, it was a public place after all and they've learned the hard way that privacy is never guaranteed. Yet, sometimes they couldn't help themselves and would indulge-Phil would lean up on one elbow to slide his lips over Dan's or Dan would straddle Phil's lap and nuzzle into his neck. They would cuddle together as the night passed until they made their back home and fell into bed. There, away from prying eyes they could press together and let hands wander. Bodies moving together in synchronicity, they knew just how to please the other, falling asleep after in a tangle of limbs.

 

_**And now I'm all alone in the dark of night** _

 

It's been a month now since he's spoken to Dan. He's not sure how everything fell apart but he knows it's his fault. Dan had been trying to move them forward the past six months or so, making editing their videos a bit difficult. The long stares, the fond smiles, leaning in close-all of those little hints pointing at the true nature of their relationship. Dan was ready for everyone to see, to finally let the world know that they were a couple and had been since they came together all those years ago by chance. Phil was more cautious...he's seen how rabid their fans can get and fears that their accomplishments will be overshadowed by “the relationship”. They kept going round and round, having the same argument until Dan had said he was done. He accused Phil of wanting to hide what they had, of being ashamed of their relationship, and had left.

   He was sitting now on their hill, looking out toward the city with blind eyes, a picture of isolation. He hasn't really spoken to anyone since Dan had snuck into the flat to gather some of his things and he was fine with that. He didn't want to explain what had happened, how Phil had let the best thing in his life slip away out of fear. He'd also disabled the notifications on all of his social media accounts because god, it just wouldn't stop! Non-stop questions about where Dan was, constant speculation, endless judgment. Everything he feared would happen if he and Dan came out as a couple had happened anyway, except instead of having Dan by his side to help weather this storm he was alone.

 

_**I can't look at the stars** _

 

   Phil pulled his legs up to his chest and tipped his head down, resting his eyes on his bony kneecaps. His throat tightened with grief and his eyes began to fill with tears. How was he supposed to move on? How could he possible live without having Dan in his life? He was so lost in his misery that he didn't hear the sound of someone approaching behind him, the footsteps muffled by the soft grass. He didn’t even notice when that someone knelt behind him, his head only coming up when a pair of arms wrapped around him from behind and a curly head rested on his shoulder. His breath caught in his throat as he heard that familiar voice in his ear.

 

   “Phil. God Phil, I've missed you so much!” Dan whispered...

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I'm not sure if I want to leave the ending ambiguous or if it should continue. Thoughts?


End file.
